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Posted by KATE on January 3rd, 2008 @ 12:01pm
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[private]
I never thought I would come to hate the holidays. Growing up, I always loved the month of December. It was the month I most looked forward to out of the whole year. The snow and the holiday season, everyone singing and humming Christmas carols. People are generally more giving, more kind to others this time of the year. It still does tend to amaze me how people can set things aside for a while and just remember what it's like to care about strangers. These were the things I loved. When I was a child I loved getting presents, as I got older, I loved giving them.
...I wanted nothing more than to stay in my bed all day. I wanted to just pull the covers up over my head and sleep right through Christmas day. Hard thing to do when you're a mother.
[/private]
It was our first Christmas without Isabella. I braved the crowded malls to go get my girls what they had asked for, gifts for Evelyn and the boys, cousins, everything that I was supposed to get, finishing out my lists. I had to stop myself from buying things for Izzy. She loved Christmas. More than I ever had, but it physically hurt whenever I saw girls her age, girls that ran around with their friends and family in the mall. I was in one of those stores, one running rampant with girls who, whenever I turned, looked just a little more and more like Izzy. I had to leave, I had to brace myself against the wall and remind myself to keep breathing.
I couldn't even come home to my husband and have a moment to grieve. Instead I busied myself with wrapping gifts, with cooking and really doing anything at all to keep my mind off of how empty the house would be this Christmas. The three of us. Abby, Taylah and myself. I still don't know how they manage to be with me, but if it wasn't for the two of them, I think I would have sunk way deeper, to the point where I wouldn't be able to surface again.
Patrick needs to come home. The girls need their father, or at least someone who isn't struggling so much to be the person that they knew. How do you come back from the loss of a child....how do you come back from the loss of two? It is an unspeakably horrible, excruciating thing ... to outlive your own child.
Maybe the snow melting in the next few months, Spring arriving...maybe I'll be able to breathe again. I know the last thing my little Isabella would have wanted was for her mother to spend the rest of her life in mourning. The sun will come out eventually, but for now, I'll just wait, and try to remember to breathe.
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Posted by KATE on June 22nd, 2007 @ 12:29am
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[Private to family/friends/those who care]
I think I should really try to at least make it to the afternoon without drowning in a bottle. It's getting ridiculous. I guess part of getting through it is figuring what you're doing wrong right?
It just...hurts. Like nothing else I've ever experienced. It's constant, unrelenting, and any time I find that pain lessening to where I can actually function, I feel guilty. I can't even remember what normal is.
[Patrick]
Your mother called. She wants you and your brothers over for dinner. Didn't say anything about me or the girls. I'd prefer not to go if I can avoid it.
[Locked, Private, No Entry Here.]
I fucked a Fed last night. I apparently, have become a fucking moron.
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Posted by KATE on April 11th, 2007 @ 12:28am
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So today is my birthday...
I will hardly expect any special treatment for that fact.
I miss home so much. Well, maybe I can talk another pillow out of the CO or something.
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Posted by KATE on April 2nd, 2007 @ 12:28am
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So apparently good behavior gets you computer time. Of course everything is monitored before it actually goes out.
Anyway, I'll make this short and sweet.
I'm okay, don't worry about me. Patrick, Liam, Vince - don't do anything rash, as I know you all can be very prone to do.
Girls, your dear ol' mom is fine. Take it easy on your dad okay? He's doing the best he can.
I love you all. I'll be home soon when I can be. Come and visit me before I go crazy. Olive green really isn't my color.
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Posted by KATE on March 12th, 2007 @ 12:27am
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Massive party at Connelly's Pub on Saturday. Dollar beers for the 8 o'clock hour, green pretty much everything. Ah, I love Saint Patrick's Day.
Patrick, you know I love your mother, but is there any way she could not keep bringing over her pies? We can't eat five a week, and I would in fact like us to live through the year without having heart attacks. Tell her to give some to Liam, he could use a few extra pounds on him.
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